Leading Like Jesus Means
What does leading as a Christian husband actually look like?
This question was recently posed by a newly married husband struggling to figure out his role in his home. Like me and so many others, he grew up in a non-Christian household. He did not come to Jesus until he was an adult. As a result, he did not have the example of a Christian dad to follow. He did have parents who were nice people. However, the messages of the world about what marriage should look like made things even more confusing. Between what he had learned in the church, the cultural examples, and that of his parents, he had so many different messages rattling around in his brain that seemed to contradict each other that it was hard to know how to live out verses like those in Ephesians 5:
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24
He was blessed by my explanation. He said it was the first time Christian leadership made sense to him. I thought I would share it here with the hope that you would benefit from it as well.
What Does Leading as a Christian Husband Mean?
I had no idea what leadership meant as a husband when I married my wife. I understood even less about what it meant for a Christian husband. My father wasn’t around much. When he was, I didn’t want to model myself after him as a husband. Much of what I tried when I was first married came from what I saw around me. Often, it was absorbed from examples I saw in fictional books, movies, and TV. This approach does not work very well unless you are a fictional character.
After I became a Christian, I was more intentional in my efforts. I tried to learn by reading a lot of Christian books. I listened to many sermons and sought the advice of Christian experts. I thought they would provide me with a clear guide to being a good Christian husband and leader. Sadly, this was often not the case. In fact, some messages harmed my marriage. This happened when the advice was heavily influenced by the culture.
The speaker’s perspective was “to be a man you must look like this.”
13 Bible Verses to Redefine Christian Manhood Through Jesus
Or this occurred when the advice was tailored for people who were not like me at all. As a result, I experienced quite a bit of frustration. I felt discouragement trying to make myself fit into molds. These molds were presented as “the” way, the only way, to be a good Christian man and leader. Whether this image of the ideal Christian man was a preacher, warrior, or professional athlete, I realized I couldn’t live up to him. I felt fake and wrong trying to do so.
I was an adult with a wife, two kids, and a career. I had gone through some really hard things. My days of dreaming that I was a superhero or a sports star were long gone. I no longer idolized any person.
After banging my head against this proverbial wall for too long, I eventually realized the heart of my problem. Though I certainly have my problems and weakness, it wasn’t with me or my failings. I really wanted to learn how to be the husband and dad Jesus wanted me to be. I was willing to change. Rather, I found that the messages offered a view of Christian manhood that contrasted with the Bible’s. They tried to try to call me to be someone that Jesus did not actually intend for me to be. They wanted me to follow a model for who I am as a Christian other than the one that Jesus laid out for me. It was and is a huge problem.
Jesus is not only my Savior. He is also my perfect teacher and example for all things. This includes what leadership looks like. After prayer, reflection, and reading through Jesus’ words and deeds, it became clear. He led in a very different manner than many of the man focused leadership programs I had been wrestling with.
Why is Jesus’ leadership different?
A Christian Man is Not a Stereotype
Your perfect leader, Jesus never demands that you change yourself to fit into the mold created by any man.
Jesus does not call anyone to conform to a cultural expectation or stereotype.
Jesus never leaves anyone out who doesn’t fit in to one particular vision of what a Christian man looks like.
Jesus calls you to be yourself as you follow Him and are changed to look more like Him. This does not mean that I am embracing sin or telling you not to change and mature. Every Christian has stuff that he needs to get rid or, change, or grow on. Rather, it means that your calling as a Christian man may look very different than mine. We will certainly have things in common but since Jesus leads you individually, we will also be unique. You are cherished by Jesus for you, not to turn you into a carbon copy of any man.
These stereotypes are often offered with good intentions, but usually result in subtly diminishing both you and Jesus.
For example, Jesus is the commander of heaven’s armies. He is immensely powerful. I have heard the claim that this means He is a man’s man who would probably enjoy weight lifting. This is a bit a stretch, but not bad, in itself.
Similarly, some argue that since Jesus was a carpenter, this means that He was strong and tough. They conclude from this that Jesus was a good fighter. This is another questionable assertion, but not automatically harmful on its own.
The problem comes when claims like this are used to portray the essential nature of Jesus. Jesus was a weight lifting fighter, they argue. This errant description is then used to define who you should be as a His follower.
Jesus was tough, a fighter, and would enjoy weight lifting so you should as well. They often add there is something wrong with you if you are not tough and a fighter.
You simply cannot reduce Jesus this way without ignoring the Bible and His many wonderful attributes.
The Bible tells you that Jesus is also kind and humble.
Jesus He wept over the death of His friend, children love Him, and He is gentle with His sheep.
Jesus compares Himself with a mother bird wishing to shelter Israel under her wings, while He wept over Jerusalem.
In sharp contrast to some of the cold demanding leaders I have dealt with in my own life, no one is over awed with Jesus as leader. His manner and style of leading do not evoke awe. This is despite Him being creator of all things. No one is afraid of talking with Jesus. They ask questions and even contradict and argue with Him because of His love for them. He shows love despite His holiness. Jesus’s leadership is not remaining on His thrown and dictating to you through fear like the Wizard of OZ. Instead, He humbled Himself to the position of the lowest person. He did this so that everyone can join His family. It doesn’t matter whether they fit the stereotype of someone good, powerful, or holy.
God wants to use each of His people as us to advance His kingdom and lead others to Him.
Jesus Sought Voluntary Heart Change, Not Fear Induced Obedience and Obligation
Jesus’ actual leadership style is also very different than that of man. In the Gospels, Jesus shows people the reasons why they should align their hearts with Him. He seeks to guide them gently. He is obviously very clear who He is. Nonetheless, He patiently talks with people. He loves people and asks questions. He generally gently points them toward what is right instead of declaring, “You must or else”. He is not a dictator. In other words, He doesn’t lead by sitting back and coldly telling people what to do.
This contrasts with some messages you may receive as a Christian. These messages particularly weave in incomplete references to characters and Scriptures of the Old Testament. Moses was a wonderful man of God. He was the chosen leader of Israel. However, he is not a good example for a New Testament leader in most cases. They are not the prophet and political leader of Israel speaking on behalf of God.
Jesus is the only One in that role for every believer. Anyone seeking to thunder and set down rules like Moses from Mt. Sinai misses the point of the Resurrection.
This also means that not only are we not expected to control every situation and dictate everyone’s life like Moses or King David. Humility demands that we admit we often don’t know exactly what to do. We need to pray about things. Additionally, we need help from our wives, friends, and others.
Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. Philippians 2
We are not Old Testament prophets. Instead, we are loving and humble New Testament Christians saved by grace alone. This is actually a far superior position to that of Moses, Elijah, or John the Baptist.
He no longer calls you enemy or servant, but beloved friend and family member. His leadership reflects this and yours should as well. In case His own disciples missed Jesus’ point on this during the 3 years with Him, Jesus demonstrated this at the Last Supper when He dressed Himself like a slave, took the lowest position in the household, and did the dirtiest and least honored job of washing the feet of the disciples before saying:
You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. John 13:13-14
This statement is about leadership, not foot washing.
Jesus Words Tell You to Lead Differently
Once you accept the fact that Jesus is not interested in forcing you to follow the cultural examples, you can truly understand Him. His humble, loving example directly conflicts with that of a wannabe prophet. With this understanding, you can really take in and understand Jesus’ and the New Testament’s words about leaders.
Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:26-28
But he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whoever exalts himself will be [humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. Matthew 23:11-12
“The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them, and those who exercise authority over them are called ‘benefactors.’ But not so among you; on the contrary, he who is greatest among you, let him be as the younger, and he who governs as he who serves. For who is greater, he who sits at the table, or he who serves? Is it not he who sits at the table? Yet I am among you as the One who serves. Luke 22
The Son of Man did not come to be served, therefore no Christian leader should seek to be served. The Son of Man came to serve. He came to give His life a ransom for many. This is the point of your Christian leadership as well.
Those who seek to lead should be the servant of all!
If you really want to be greatest, then you should put yourself last. Jesus did this through loving, tending, caring, and calling to His sheep. Jesus never beat His sheep, physically, emotionally, or spiritually, and you shouldn’t even think of doing so. Jesus clearly states that anyone who exalts themselves is not leading like Jesus. Whoever puts themselves above another in status, rank, or glory will be humbled.
Your version of leadership should be markedly different than the worlds and, often, what you yourself expect. It is about putting yourself last. It involves loving well and being a servant to all. It is not about making every decision unilaterally or having the answers immediately.
Practically, you lead by keeping your eyes on the important things as set out by Jesus and on Jesus Himself.
This means pursuing Jesus yourself. You should want to grow in your own faith and relationship with the Lord. Aim to do this in the way that Jesus intends.
You don’t need to be a Bible scholar. Focus on learning how to be more loving, kind, patient, humble, and holy to look more like Jesus. Then, apply this spiritual fruit to your family.
Being a servant to your family means loving them well. Do not demand that they serve you, as this is the opposite of biblical leadership. Rather, point your family to Jesus for His leading. This involves more than just having rules. While rules can be part of it, the first step is to live out your own relationship with Jesus authentically. Let it control your life, and seek to love your family like Jesus loves us. It also means seeking to consistently point your wife and kids to Jesus.
This doesn’t necessarily mean quoting Bible verses or telling others what to do. Instead, if there is an argument, be the first to apologize. If there is suffering, be the first to suffer alongside. If there is a hard question, encourage prayer and base your reaction on Jesus and His word.
Perhaps most important of all, it is when you mess up, freely admit it and seek forgiveness. When someone else messes up, give grace freely and treat people who sinned against you kindly. Modeling grace is incredibly important.
A turning point in my life as a husband and dad to very small kids happened when I heard a sermon on 1 Corinthians. The sermon encouraged me to examine the descriptions of love in the applicable part. I was to replace love with my name to see how I was doing as a disciple and leader. So,
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13
I thought I was doing well as a husband at the time. I did not get past Tom is patient, Tom is kind. Then the Lord showed me I was neither. I wasn’t the worst out there. However, I had been evaluating myself based on things other than Jesus. As a result, I did not see the many problems, much less any solutions. My goal since then has been to be defined by loving my family well in these ways. Twenty years later, we are still going strong.
You may not have the answer to every life issue. If you love Jesus, love like Him, and encourage your family to love Jesus, you will be leading well.
