Leading Like Jesus Means Rejecting Cultural Examples – Even those from the Church
What does leading as a Christian husband actually look like?
This question was recently posed by a newly married husband struggling to figure out his role in his home. Like me and so many others, he grew up in a non-Christian household and did not come to Jesus until he was an adult. As a result, he did not have the example of a Christian dad to follow. He did have parents who were nice people, but in some ways that and the messages of the world about what marriage should look like made things all the more confusing. Between what he had learned in the church, the cultural examples, and that of his parents, he had so many different messages rattling around in his brain that seemed to contradict each other that it was hard to know how to live out verses like those in Ephesians 5:
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24
He was blessed by my explanation and said it was the first time Christian leadership made sense to him, so I thought I would share it here with the hope that you would benefit from it as well.
What Does Leading as a Christian Husband Mean?
I had no idea what leadership meant as a husband when I married my wife, much less for a Christian husband. My father wasn’t around much and when he was, he was not someone that I wanted to model myself after as a husband. Much of what I tried when I was first married came from what I saw around me, often it was absorbed from examples I saw in fictional books, movies, and TV which does not work very well unless you are a fictional character. After I became a Christian, I was more intentional in my efforts and tried to learn by reading a lot of Christian books, by listening to many sermons, and seeking advice of Christian experts. I thought they would give me the clear guide on how to be a good Christian husband and leader, but sadly, in many instances, this was not the case. In fact, some of the messages that I took in made things in my marriage worse than they had been before I was saved. This happened when the advice was either heavily influenced by the culture, meaning the speaker’s perspective was “to be a man you must look like this”, or when it was tailored for people who were not like me at all. As a result, I experienced quite a bit of frustration and discouragement trying to make myself fit into molds that were presented as “the” way, the only way, to be a good Christian man and leader. Whether this picture of this ideal Christian man came in the form of a certain preacher, warrior, or professional athlete, I not only could not live up to that person, but felt fake and wrong trying to do so. I was an adult with a wife, two kids, and a career, who had gone through some really hard things, my days of dreaming that I was a superhero or a sports star or idolizing any person were long gone.
After banging my head against this proverbial wall for too long, I eventually realized the heart of my problem. Though I certainly have my problems and weakness, it wasn’t with me or my failings as I really wanted to learn how to be the husband and dad Jesus wanted me to be and was willing to change. Rather, when I examined the teaching, books, programs, and cultural messages closely and compared them with the Bible, I found that they offered a view of Christian manhood and leadership that did not look much like the Bible’s version. They used Christian concepts and scriptures to try to call me to be someone that Jesus did not actually call me to be and to follow a model for who I am as a Christian that is not actually like the one that Jesus laid out for me. It was and is a huge problem.
Jesus is not only my Savior, but also my perfect teacher and example for all things, including what leadership looks like. After prayer, reflection, and reading through Jesus’ words and deeds it became clear that He led in a very different manner than many of the man focused leadership programs with which I had been wrestling.
Why is Jesus’ leadership different?
Jesus’ call on you as a Christian man doesn’t promote or follow a cultural stereotype.
If you have been to a men’s conference, you probably have seen the manly flavored themes – strength, battles, sports, beards, knights – with the biblical tie in with the kings of Israel or guys like Samson. These themes are not necessarily bad, but they often end up equating manhood and leadership as a Christian man with cultural stereotypes on these issues. They present an idolized version of “good Christian man” with attributes, values, and deeds that are both cultural and limited and then claim Jesus as the source of their standard, requiring you to conform to it as a result. Despite the appeal and simplicity of creating such a simple picture for men to aspire to, doing so is very problematic for a number of simple reasons.
Your perfect leader, Jesus never demands that you change yourself to fit into the mold created by any man.
Jesus does not call anyone to conform to a cultural expectation or stereotype.
Jesus never leaves anyone out who doesn’t fit in to one particular vision of what a Christian man looks like.
Jesus calls you to be yourself as you follow Him and are changed to look more like Him. This does not mean that I am embracing sin or telling you not to change and mature. Every Christian has stuff that he needs to get rid or, change, or grow on. Rather, your walk with Jesus is going to be similar in some ways to mine, being holy and loving for example, but it also may look very different since Jesus is a personal Savior and Lord. You are cherished by Jesus individually because He is that wonderful, not because you can make yourself command your family like General Patton.
These stereotypes are often offered with good intentions, but usually result in subtly diminishing both you and Jesus. For example, Jesus is the commander of heaven’s armies and immensely powerful, so I have heard the claim that this means that He is a man’s man who would probably enjoy weight lifting. Similarly, some argue that since Jesus was a carpenter, this means that He was strong and tough, as that culture describes these, and probably would be a good fighter. These conclusion are not based on the biblical or historical narrative, but on the speakers current day cultural biases, yet, once they are added to Jesus, they are then used to define you as His follower. Jesus was tough, a fighter, and would enjoy weight lifting, so you, Christian should as well…and if you don’t there is something wrong with you. You simply cannot reduce Jesus this way without ignoring the Bible and His many wonderful attributes.
At the same time some are trying to turn Jesus into an MMA fighter, the Bible tells you that Jesus is also kind and humble, that He wept over the death of His friend, that children love Him, and that He is gentle with His sheep. Jesus compares Himself with a mother bird wishing to shelter Israel under her wings, while He wept over Jerusalem. In sharp contrast to some of the cold demanding leaders I have dealt with in my own life, no one is over awed with Jesus as leader due to His manner and style of leading, despite Him being creator of all things. No one is afraid of talking with Jesus, asking questions, or even contradicting and arguing with Him because of His love for them, despite His holiness. Jesus’s leadership is not remaining on His thrown and dictating to you through fear like the Wizard of OZ. Instead, He humbled Himself to the position of the lowest person so that everyone can join His family, regardless of whether they fit the stereotype of someone good, powerful, or holy.
God wants to use each of His people as us to advance His kingdom and lead others to Him. He does seek to make us into General Patton in order for us to be useful. The black and white takes on life that can seem attractive in that sort of leadership are very little like Jesus.
Jesus Sought Voluntary Heart Change, Not Fear Induced Obedience and Obligation
Jesus’ actual leadership style is also very different than that of man. If you notice in the Gospels, Jesus pretty much always seeks to show people why they should get their own hearts onboard with Him. He is obviously very clear who He is, but He patiently talks with people, loves people, asks questions, and generally gently points them toward what is right rather than simply declare, “You must or else”. He is not a dictator, in other words, and doesn’t lead through sitting back and coldly telling people what to do. This contrasts with some of the messages that you may receive as a Christian, particularly those that weave in incomplete references to characters and Scriptures of the Old Testament. Moses was a wonderful man of God and chosen leader of Israel, for example, but in most cases he is not a good example for a New Testament leader since they are not the prophet and political leader of Israel speaking on behalf of God. Jesus is the only One in that role for every believer, so anyone seeking to thunder and set down rules like Moses from Mt. Sinai misses the point of the Resurrection. This also means that not only are we not expected to control every situation and dictate everyone’s life like Moses or King David , but humility demands that we admit that we often don’t know exactly what to do, need to pray about things, and need help from our wives, friends, and others.
Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. Philippians 2
We are not Old Testament prophets, but loving and humble New Testament Christians saved by grace alone, which is actually a far superior position to that of Moses, Elijah, or John the Baptist. He no longer calls you enemy or servant, but beloved friend and family member. His leadership reflects this and yours should as well. In case His own disciples missed Jesus’ point on this during the 3 years with Him, Jesus demonstrated this at the Last Supper when He dressed Himself like a slave, took the lowest position in the household, and did the dirtiest and least honored job of washing the feet of the disciples before saying:
You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. John 13:13-14
This statement is about leadership, not foot washing.
Jesus Words Tell You to Lead Differently
Once you accept the fact that Jesus is not interested in forcing you to follow the cultural examples and how His humble loving example directly conflicts with that of wanna be prophet, you can really take in and understand Jesus’ and the New Testaments words about leaders.
Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:26-28
But he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whoever exalts himself will be [humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. Matthew 23:11-12
“The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them, and those who exercise authority over them are called ‘benefactors.’ But not so among you; on the contrary, he who is greatest among you, let him be as the younger, and he who governs as he who serves. For who is greater, he who sits at the table, or he who serves? Is it not he who sits at the table? Yet I am among you as the One who serves. Luke 22
The Son of Man did not come to be served, therefore no Christian leader should seek to be served. The Son of Man came to serve and to give His life a ransom for many, therefore this is the point of your Christian leadership as well. Those who seek to lead should be the servant of all. If you really want to be greatest then should put yourself last – like Jesus did in loving, tending, caring, and calling to His sheep. Jesus never beat His sheep, physically, emotionally, or spiritually, and you shouldn’t even think of doing so. Jesus clearly states that anyone who exalts themselves, puts themselves above another in status, rank, glory, etc, is not leading like Jesus and will be humbled.
Your version of leadership should be markedly different than the worlds and, often, what you yourself expect. It is about putting yourself last, loving well, being a servant to all, rather than making every decision unilaterally or having the answers immediately.
I apologize if I am rambling a bit in this answer, but practically, you lead by keeping your eyes on the important things as set out by Jesus and on Jesus Himself. This means pursuing Jesus yourself and wanting to grow in your own faith and relationship with the Lord – but in the way that Jesus intends. So, not necessarily Bible scholar, but learning how you can be more loving, kind, patient, humble, holy, etc (looking more like Jesus) and then applying this spiritual fruit to your family. It means being a servant to your family and loving them well, not demanding they serve you since that is the opposite of biblical leadership. It also means pointing your family to Jesus, in word, heart, and deed. This means not just having rules, though rules can be part of it, but first living out your own relationship with Jesus authentically, having it control your life, and seeking to love your family like Jesus loves us. It also means seeking to consistently point your wife and kids to Jesus. This doesn’t necessarily mean quoting Bible verses or telling others what to do, but rather, if there is an argument, be the first to apologize, if there is suffering, be the first to suffer alongside, if there is a hard question, encourage prayer and base your reaction on Jesus and His word. Perhaps most important of all, it is when you mess up, freely admit it and seek forgiveness. When someone else messes up, give grace freely and treat people who sinned against you kindly. Modeling grace is incredibly important.
So, this is a lot, but to try to simplify this, the turning point in my life as a husband and a dad to very small kids at the time came when I heard a sermon on 1 Corinthians that encouraged me to take the descriptions of love in the applicable part and replace love with my name to see how I was doing as a disciple and leader. So,
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13
I thought I was doing well as a husband at the time, but I did not get past Tom is patient, Tom is kind, before the Lord showed me I was neither. I wasn’t the worst out there, but I had been evaluating myself based on things other than Jesus, I did not see the many problems, much less any solutions. My goal since then has been to be defined by loving my family well in these ways and 20 years later we are still going strong.
You may not have the answer to every life issue or know ancient Greek, but if you love Jesus, love like Him, and encourage your family to love Jesus, you will be leading well.
