What does Christian Love Mean in the Context of Addiction
Boundaries are Good
Do you have an addict in your family? They may be a shell of their former selves as the alcoholism, drug dependence or other addiction takes its toll. I understand and feel your pain. I am from a long line of alcoholics. All sides of my family have been destroyed by addiction for generations. They are still picking up the pieces today. I was far along the same path with my wife and kids when Jesus saved me. My Story – Kind of 1 and How I Stopped Drinking and 5 Powerful Spouse Evangelizing Tools . I have been the loving family member and the addict. I know how hard it is to deal with the addiction of the ones we love. It is a terrible position to be in with the one you would give anything for. It can also be terribly confusing.
How do you as a Christian love your addicted family members when they even use our best intentions to destroy themselves? How can I love someone who uses my love to hurt themselves? Can a Christian have boundaries? These are the questions that are posed often by those grappling with addiction in the family.
Sometimes the worst thing we can do for the addict in the family is to say “yes” to them. Loving an alcoholic or drug addict can look different than your expectations. It should most often be drastically unlike their demands. Loving someone with an addiction often involves doing the opposite of what they want. It may involve doing the hardest things with the hope that they open the door of salvation for the addict. It is impossible to see God while they are an addict. Their addiction is their god and they will do anything to serve that idol. Pain is one of the great teachers in life. Shielding a son, sister, daughter or spouse from experiencing it may be getting in the way of God’s work on them. I say this with a certainty that only comes with experience. Giving a person with an addiction what they want is often the furthest thing from loving. It can be the worst thing for them. God doesn’t always give us what we want. He gives us what we need.
God is love. We can trust Him with the ones we love. He cares for them better than we can. 21 Wonderful Bible Verses about God’s Love
Love Doesn’t Enable
The idea of loving selflessly is at the heart of the Christian life. Jesus came and died for you out of love. He gave everything He had so that you could be saved. His love is what set you free. So it often seems like a Christian’s response to everyone, including a loved one with an addiction, should be to give more. Give more money, more time, more food, more bail money, and more patience and things will get better. While these may seem to be loving things, they may not be. They may simply be enabling the person’s sin. Enabling is giving someone the ability or authority to do something according to the definition. Enabling addicts simply means making life easy for them so that they don’t have to choose between comfort and sin. They can choose to serve their addictions and allow those around them to feel the consequences of their sin. This never helps the addict. People need to suffer the pain their sins inflict in order to give them any hope of being saved. Enabling just helps people along the road to physical and spiritual destruction. It makes the path to perdition smoother. This doesn’t mean that refusing to enable will not be met with a strong response.
Christian Love Says No
“How could you do this to me? Aren’t you a Christian?”
“Don’t you love me, how could you not allow me to stay”
“Christians should not have any boundaries, Jesus didn’t”
These are all real quotes from people struggling with the demons of addiction in life. If you have never dealt with a loved one hooked on drugs or booze, you can miss the tremendous amounts of pain that are involved in these pleas. They are tearfully made by children to parents, by husbands to wives, and by sisters and brothers. They are expressed with pain and sorrow overflowing. The motivation of the addict may be wrong, but the emotions involved are usually very real. The person you love desperately is in a huge amount of pain and you want to do anything to stop it. It can tear your heart out. It is hard to maintain any sort of perspective when the choice seems to be hurting your loved one or “loving” them. Unfortunately, addicts in the grips of their dependency know this and use this pain to their advantage. You are standing between them and their addiction. They will use anything available to them to get you out of the way and on their side…including your faith. This is why you hear the appeals:
“A Christian would never deny me shelter while I am doing heroin, a Christian would never not lend me money that I will use for crack — how are you being loving not giving me what I want?”
God is Love and God has Boundaries
God is love and God has boundaries with us. The example for really helping and loving – for saving people – still is God. When faced with the choice of a call to love, as defined by a lost person, and refusing to enable we must look to God’s example to determine what is loving and what is hurting. We must look to God’s direction as set out in His Word. If we want to know how to love, we should look to God – He is love after all.
God has boundaries with people in both the Old and New Testaments. When it is good for them, God says no. He then often leaves people alone with their false god, their idol, to allow them room to feel the pain of it. He gives them the full truth to the extent that they understand it, allows them a choice and when they reject God’s mercy, He allows them time to experience the pain of their choice. The goal is not punishment. It is to allow their own sin and the damage it causes to change the heart that chose sin in the first place. God allows the persistent child to feel the pain of a hot stove with the hope they run away from the danger.
God Gives a Sin Addict a Choice
Saul was the first King of Israel. He starts off his time as King with much hope and promise. He is physically gifted and spiritually blessed by God. He fights battles for the Lord with great success early on. He is filled with the Holy Spirit and proudly represents God and His people to the world. He is handsome, blessed by God, and has unlimited potential to do great things in the world…until sin takes hold. Saul is not physically addicted to alcohol or drugs, but his descent into madness in the Old Testament shares many of the characteristics of addiction. Saul chooses to sin, to hold onto the sin and to choose that sin over turning back to God. Put simply, despite terrible consequences, Saul does not want to give in to God and let go of the sin that is killing him. This eventually destroys Saul completely. In an intentional irony of God, Saul goes from the mighty King of God’s people to eventually meeting his demise by falling on his own sword to kill himself. Saul’s death literally and symbolically came from his own choices.
It never had to end this way. God sends Saul wave upon waves of mercy and grace before he ever reaches this point. God wants Saul to return to Him and fulfill his unlimited potential. Like the addicts we love, God’s heart is that no man perish but have eternal life. He loves the Sauls and the sex addicts, the drunks and the users no matter what they have done. So God sends His messenger, Samuel, to tell Saul to turn around. Samuel is the prophet of God put in place to help lead the King along God’s path. He is much like a Godly parent, sibling or spouse. He is there to provide God’s guidance, love and even correction to Saul. He is like the safety bars keeping us inside the ride at the carnival. He is there to keep Saul safe. If a person is determined enough, though, those bars can be avoided and become worthless. It is impossible to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. They need to want to be healed. Pain can be the greatest teacher in this regard. I personally had to experience my own choices in my own misery to a great degree before forsaking my own addiction.
How comforting must it have been for Saul to know that he could always go back to Samuel if he needed help? Yet, God does not always provide this safety blanket for Saul. There comes a point where giving to Saul would stop being loving. The very nature of the relationship changed from helping and loving Saul and the Nation to enabling Saul in his sin. God despises sin and has no desire to help it along. He, therefore, cuts off contact with Saul and leaves him to deal with the consequences of his sin with the hopes that it will bring him to his senses.
Samuel Leaves Saul to His Choice
In 1 Samuel 15, Saul wins a great victory for God. He defeats the Amalekites in battles but as is his way, he loses himself in the process. He defeats God’s enemies but doesn’t follow God’s directions while doing so. When Samuel comes and calls him on it, Saul initially refuses to back down and acknowledge his sin. This was Saul’s destructive pattern. He sins against God and then makes excuses, justifies and gives half-hearted apologies when confronted. Saul clearly knows what he needs to do and where he has gone astray, he just does not want to do it. He loves his sin more than he loves God. He chooses his idol over God. This time it appears like this is the last straw.
Then Samuel went to Ramah, and Saul went up to his house at Gibeah of Saul. 35 And Samuel went no more to see Saul until the day of his death.
God withdraws Samuel from the situation. He takes away His voice and in the process removes Saul’s security blanket. This is not meant as punishment. It is not done out of cruelty. Remember, God has been speaking through Samuel to him for years. He has been showing Saul abundant mercy. God has been loving Saul from the day that he became King. Saul is simply refusing to listen to God no matter what Samuel says. There is an impasse that will only be resolved when Saul makes the right decision…to stop serving his idol. Until then, there is nothing that Samuel can do or say to change the situation. Samuel’s presence was only providing Saul and excuse for his sin and a cushion against the consequences. It was making sin easy for Saul.
It wasn’t helping. It never would. If Saul is ready to give up his sin, all he would have to do was talk to God. If he was really ready to stop, he could easily humble himself and travel to see Samuel. This would be a great barometer for his heart as well. Samuel’s departure provided Saul with a clear choice to make…idol or healing.
So God leaves Saul alone to make his decision. Just him, his sin and the consequences – this is the sort of simple clarity that makes choices for addicts easier…if they are willing. It may be painful. Saul is driven mad by the repeated choice to sin and refusing the Holy Spirit. But it is also the best and only chance Saul has to be saved. He must experience the consequences of his sin for the offer of real mercy to mean anything.
Saul doesn’t want to feel pain but he also does not want to repent. He does not want to give up what is killing him and will do anything to avoid doing so while also trying to not hurt. This is a familiar place to be for many of the addicts in your lives. They have been told they have a problem. They are experiencing painful consequences. They are experiencing some loss but don’t want to lose everything…yet they are unwilling to leave their addiction. So they choose their addiction and try to make everyone around them accommodate this choice. They desperately want the pain to stop. They truly want things to be as they once were but are unwilling to give up their idol in their addiction.
Saul takes this to an absurd degree. He enlists the sorcerer, the Witch of Endor, to raise Samuel from the dead. He does so to find a way out of his madness that allows him to keep on sinning and not give in to God. His sin became his god and he would serve it until the end. He would not give it up no matter the cost.
There are no guarantees when it comes to those struggling with addiction. It is a burden that destroys thousands every day in the world. There is also no requirement to always say no to the addict in your family. Love can also mean saying yes and putting yourself out in extraordinary ways for them. God does that for the world in Jesus. Yet, loving an addict well can mean not giving them an inch when doing so means hurting their chances of actually changing. It can mean stepping out of the way of the temporary hurts that are coming at them so they can avoid the eternal punishment that is coming. If they have been told they have a problem, have been given a clear way out, know the Gospel, and have refused to change, you can respect their choice and let them live the life they choose…pain and all. Like Saul, it is then left up to them to make a choice. Until they do, you may just be making sin easy for them. You never want to do that.
God says no when saying yes results in sin. God says no when it is good for us. God has boundaries for the good of His people. We should always follow God’s example…even when it hurts and God certainly knows how much it hurts to lose a family member.
For further reading on boundaries, I highly recommend this book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It was life changing for me. If you are dealing with addiction, you should read this book.
Love to all,
Tom
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I grew up in a home where my dad was an alcoholic and my mom was a drug addict. My dad made peace with God in the last few years that he was alive and I’m confident I will see him again one day. My mom and my brother and all the rest of my family are drug addicts. My mom and her sister married my dad and his brother so it was a very codependent and dysfunctional family situation, clannish I guess you could call it. I have been completely clean for almost 4 years. These two posts you have written on Christian Addiction and boundaries have been so helpful to me in trying to decide how much to have to do with my family. I read the Boundaries book you mention also. There is a story in the Bible about a man named Joab who was King David’s nephew. King David was so sad when he heard about his son Absalom’s death that he was grieving when he should have been rejoicing for a victory and when the people heard about his grieving they became as people who had lost a battle instead of winning one. Joab told David that he had shamed his people and that he loved those who hated him and hated those who loved him. I always remember this story when I feel like getting depressed about my unrepentant drug addicted family. I remember the family God has rewarded me with. My 8 beautiful children and my loving husband deserve to have me joyful and the attentive to their needs and not pinning away for people who have chosen to serve themselves rather than God. My kids have seen this cycle I go through of being depressed and despairing after I have contact with some of them, especially my mother. The kids wonder why I would care so much about someone who cares nothing for me. I haven’t talked to my mom face to face now in almost two years. And I’m grateful for the peace. I did cave in to weakness and contacted her around Christmas but she hasn’t changed one bit and seems to have gotten even nastier. I pray for her and all the rest of them. I have to leave them in God’s hands. He loves them even more than I do. Thanks you for these pots.
Praise the Lord for His work in you, Penny! That is such a wonderful testimony! I am so blessed to hear the posts were helpful.
I LOVE that story you reference! So hard to wrap your head around but when you get it,it is just so impactful. We love what Jesus loves. We rejoice over what He values, even when our emotions rebel against it.
People who are not from the backgrounds we come from are never going to understand the huge pulls that they have and the struggles that come along with it. Praise God that they don’t and never had to live through that sort of life. But they also never get to experience the power of the Lord that saved us out of it. The peace and joy are almost sweeter because of the past.
God bless you!
My elderly Christian parents, I have come to realise, have a terrible dysfunctional codependent relationship. My mum is narcassistic, and she is my dad’s idol. She mistreats him terribly, with her cruel words, witholding attention and affection, and her constant demands on him.
My brother and I have called her out on her behaviour, but it has rezulted in her now attacking my brother and his family, and treating him as if he is the enemy and he is evil and abusive. She justifies her behaviour towards my brother by saying the issue is one between her and our dad and nothing to do with anyone else.
I realise I was caught up in the family dance around mum a my life. I learned how to please her and calm her. But this year I finally saw what was happening and now I have started to set boundaries with them.
It is so hard because I love them both so much. But I can’t abide their sin any longer. I haven’t completely severed ties but I have curtailed visits to their home or being alone with my mother. I arrange coffee or lunch but try to always have someone else along too. That way she tends to behave better and is not so tempted to be negative.
I am sorry that your family is caught in that terrible cycle, but praise the Lord that you are seeing it and seeking God’s way out. I know how hard it is to break from the patterns of dysfunction and how much it hurts. I can tell you that for me, personally, though it did hurt, I have been so blessed by refusing to follow the old family patterns and choosing to follow Jesus. I will pray for you and your family.
I came across this read today as I struggle with my mom. My mom has had so many addictions, pain pills, drinking, shopping, money, and men. I have throughout the years set boundaries and have distanced myself from her. I have not seen her in person for about a year and a half and only check in with her occasionally over the phone. I myself got sober 19 months ago from an alcohol addiction and completely turned my life over to the Lord. I would love to say my addiction was never ever as bad as my mom’s, but an addiction is an addiction and a sin is a sin. I could have ended up as bad, but by the grace of God and his love I was able to see his works in my life and trust only in him. It is so hard to watch a loved one go through the struggles and challenges of addiction. It is absolutely heartbreaking knowing you have to let them go and face their own demons. Just this week my mom was involved in an elderly fraud romantic scam. She sold her house and gave all her money away to a man pretending to love her. She is now left with no money and homeless. We did just enough to guide her in the next steps and that is all we can do. She has been involved in so many scams and has continued to be blind the entire time. Deep down I want to be her guardian and control everything she does. The truth is that she does not want to be saved and is not willing to surrender. I have to remember this is not my fight and I have to protect myself and my family. I can pray everyday for her safety and protection, but the pain and hard truth of losing a mother I never really hard is crushing. Thank you for this place to be vulnerable and honest.
Oh boy, I am so sorry that you are going this pain with your mom! I know how hard it is and the inner conflict that never seems to go away, no matter how clear you are with your boundaries. I take solace from the fact that, though it hurts, not giving the addict what they want is often the most loving thing for them. Praise God that He lead you out of your addictions and that you are taking your responsibility for your family seriously!
Good evening!
Seeing this post, leaving a very familiar taste in my mouth.
Single mother of two boys, raised them in the church. Divorced, he is the leader of our church and after this happened I moved back to my family house.
So dis functional… Around me.. My younger brother heavy on drugs.. But so manipulative.. My youngest sister 40 years old 2 kidz, not working. Ecpecting everything from me now. I’m so frustrated as this is becoming a heavy burden. My brother steals everything, even the taps in the bathroom and kitchen.
Then, now my first born after a broken relationship came to live with me. With no contributions to the house at all. He has a good job but even on the first he has nothing left.
Im so tired praying to God to give me the courage to sit him down and talk. He is so rude and disrespectful, so then I just keep quiet. My savings are finished, gave him so much over the last 2 years. Please pray for wisdom.. I’m really tired and just feel at times I can leave everyone behind and start over somewhere else.
Thank you for reading.
ACA
Hi – I am so sorry that you are going through this painful time and I will pray for you. One thought I had which may be helpful, as it was for me, people like me and possibly you, who have been raised in dysfunctional households tend to gravitate towards dysfunctional relationships. One of the main reasons is the training and expectations we have from our family of origin messes up our perception of what healthy love, attention, and attachment look like. It is like with a compass, which is meant to show north/south etc. If someone messes with the needle before it is installed, it is going to point the wrong way, but seem to be doing its job. My background that lacked love, but was filled with addition made me not attracted to people who were stable and healthy and seek out those whose inappropriate ways appealed to my messed up mind, for example. Therefore, though it took a while, it was incredibly helpful to learn first how to be healthy for me, before dealing with my family members. The book Boundaries is really good in this regard. I am praying for you and your children!
I am smack dab in the middle of if it at the moment. I have 2 sons, one if dead years of addiction starting at 14 in and out of jail and prison. Years of hating me and wanting me dead. Genius level IQ, great looking, strong and athletic. Died at 39 His brother big strong played foot ball and was wanted by every division 1 college as a offensive linemen. Started at 17 now 42 in and out of jail, in and out of recovery, stole cars stole things from people. has called me and stated I want you dead, come down here and I will kill you myself I will beat you to death with my bear hands, I hate you. He has legions tattooed on his arms. He uses the phrase we are legions for we are many. I live every day wondering if he is alive or dead. It is only until he is in jail that I rest because I know where he is. At last the court system is putting him in prison. I know where he is going because I worked there for 30myears as a Lt., I love him but I cannot stand by and watch the self destruction nor allow myself to be a part of his violence, maybe to me because I want help. I said I am done with you and walked away. How many times have I felt that pain. Now i am doing it again. I know the answer I guess I am just venting. Anyone dealing with an addiction, alcoholic children or spouse can understand. You know what to do you do it and wonder if you done right and the whole time the what if they die runs round and round in you head. Well it hurts I had that happen and I may have it happen again. Sometimes what is right will allow you worst fear to occur and you need to know it ain’t your fault. Try sucking on that lemon for a while cause it is not your fault. I keep telling myself that dying is not his choice but the drugs are and they are what will kill him, he knows there is a greater chance then ever. maybe in prison he will get the help he need. My pain my fears my regets my thoughts of every thing I think I did wrong don’t
God bless you all. we used to be a minority now we are a majority,
Chuck
Hey Chuck – I am so sorry to read this and to think of all the pain that is involved. I do know what you are saying about the many incredibly hard decision you have to make and how torn it leaves you. One of the things I remind myself when I am torn up about someone I love is the fact that Jesus loves them even more than I do and no matter whether or not I can be there with them fighting for them, Jesus never leaves them and is always calling to them. It often doesn’t make the present pain better, but it reminds me that there is always hope – even when there seems like there is none.
I will pray for you and your son.
God bless you,
Tom
I am so very broken and heartbroken. My son is an alcoholic. He is not the person i used to know anymore. We only had eachother now i am more alone and broken than ever to see him like this. It is so sad. I am so sad. I keep praying for him, it is all i can do. I am grieving so much. I need God to carry me because i cant carry myself and i cant carry this loss. I dont know what happened to him.
I am so sorry to read of the pain you are going through in your comment and can only imagine the grief you speak of as a dad. I know you say that praying for him is all you can do, and I know what you mean, but my wife still says to this day that prayer was the single most important factor in me stopping drinking. She says it is what got her through and believes God answered in setting me free. My point is you are doing a lot when you cry your heart out to the Lord for your son, particularly since God knows the pain of lost children. I will pray for you and your son.
Thank you so much for the prayers! They are desperately needed! Its gotten even worse and on the verge of losing everything he said he will continue drinking then very sadly said if he does lose it he will make a worse choice. I appreciate your continued prayers and consideration. This is the worst pain my heart has ever felt in my life and ive had alot of hard times and pain in life.
Hey, this is something I’m currently going through and it’s the most difficult thing ever. My oldest brother who is 25 does drugs and even sells them on the side, my other older brother who is 23 is addicted. I’m the youngest I’m 20 and this is very difficult on me because I’m the only Christian in the family so I feel very alone at times and feel the weight of this whole situation on me and it’s feels so heavy honestly unbearable at times. My parents don’t seem too bothered by it and my mom even enables it often. I hate to see it all happen because as a Christian I fear the Lord and hate to see the wickedness happen and it also hurts me to see them in this situation, also because I know it’s all the enemy attacking them for this is not a war against flesh and blood but a spiritual one against the darkness in the spiritual realm. This is so hard on me also because sometimes I just don’t know what to do. I haven’t opened up this much about this situation to anyone at my church yet because of fear of rejection or being misunderstood in some way but I know those are all lies from the enemy and I will seek counsel now and help because I can’t do this all alone. I know we’re not meant to do it alone. This is my first time opening up this much about it and it’s so difficult, I just pray the Lord helps me through this all and guides me in every way and helps me be attentive to His voice. I also would like to ask for any counsel on here and prayer 🙏. Thank you and the Lord bless you.
I am sorry you are going through this, Lisbeth, and definitely understand how you feel. I am glad that the Lord is leading you to open up about it! There is no need for you to be fearful about it or feel ashamed. First, it is not you who is doing anything and you have no control over the actions of your family members. They certainly don’t define you – only Jesus does. Second, even when you do make mistakes in handling these really difficult things, Jesus’ grace, mercy, and love are so much greater than all the things we try to beat ourselves up with. Everyone has a past and a family that you were raised in but it is who you are in Jesus now and going forward that matters.
I would imagine that watching your brothers is painful, but I would also encourage you to understand your own limitations. You can’t fix them or force them to be other than they are and their actions are not your responsibility. You can love them and pray for them, but one of the mistakes we can make as Christians is attaching our feelings of success,failure, or joy to other people’s actions that we have no control over. Part of trusting the Lord is knowing that He loves your brothers even more and better than you love them and He will be working on them – but until they make a decision, you cannot make them.
I wish the family I grew up with was Christian and was not destroyed by addiction. I wish I was a church kid and that everyone in my family was with me. I pray for them all teh time. Yet, every day, I also make decisions to make sure that I break the cycle of addiction and pain that I grew up with and that I am following Jesus – not my dysfunctional family training. Though you surely would choose differently for your brothers, I would encourage you that breaking the chains for yourself is not only totally worth it, but is the best way to lead the way out of the darkness for the rest of your family.
I will pray for you!
I am in a relationship with someone who respect my faith but doesnt choose to believe. After two year in out relationship he confessed to me that he has multiple addictions. Smoking. Weed. Gambling. Many times before he confessed he has done things that would spark a conversation like “why did you lie to me about where you are” and him pleading begging telling me he is so disappointed in himself it would never happen again. And it happened again and i stayed again. I told him about 4 times “if you ever lie to me again i will leave” and yet u stayed. Saw his pain and tried to forgive. He is at a point where he had to make the change he admitted to his debt and addictions and he cut the two worse ones but i see the addiction in most things he does. He fell easy with support and understanding and family helping financially. I still see him make stupid choices like wanting to order take out sushi and he tells me he needs things like this to still have quality of life. I tell him i dont think he fell hard enough to actually have to change “but i did change i know things now and i have self control” part of me screams “leave, love yourself and dont risk your future” the other part of me screams “forgive him he is wanting to change maybe you just need to be patient” i asked god to “take him away if he is not for me” and he is still here. I see him trying a lot with me like understanding my uncertainty and him understanding what i go through emotionally and him doing nice things to me but i dont actually see him try that hard with his own life. I dont want to discredit the work that happens behind closed doors but i know he didnt fall hard enough. Idk what to do i thought god would solve this for me which is a bit naive. I feel evil for thinking about leaving because he is in a place of pain aswell and he at least wants to try to do better and i dont want to give up on him but i do need to be realistic with myself aswell.. i just need guidance
I am so sorry that you are going through this time of pain and heartache! It is sometimes really hard to figure out what the right thing to do is when you are in the midst of it, particularly when it involves someone you care for. Sometimes it helps if you think about your own situation from the perspective of another person. Look what you wrote here, for example, and think what you would tell your friend if she came and asked you the same question? Sometimes that makes it clearer.
i asked god to “take him away if he is not for me” and he is still here.
God does sometimes take things or people away completely to show us what is best for us. But there can be a missed opportunity for growth and faith when that happens. God wants you to grow in Him, rely on Him, and know Him deeply. This involves a decision to turn toward Him and trust Him with what is most important to Him. Sometimes, He encourages us in this area by showing us the answer to our prayer clearly, but leaving the decision to us to make so that we can exercise our faith. My honest impression is that is what is going on here. Your BF is not a believer and is an addict who does not appear to have stopped being an addict – just moved some things around in his addicted life (particularly if he is still addicted to two things). Your opinion of him is he really hasn’t learned from his mistakes. Any of these factors, by themselves, is enough to project that you headed for a world of pain if you continue in this relationship.
I feel evil for thinking about leaving because he is in a place of pain aswell and he at least wants to try to do better and i dont want to give up on him but i do need to be realistic with myself aswell.. i just need guidance
This is a good example of the pain I mean and, honestly, the messed up dynamics that come with dealing with an addict on their terms. Addicts are some of the most manipulative, selfish people in the world to deal with – I say this as a former addict who loves people who are suffering with addiction. They try to warp the world around them to get what they serve – the focus of their addiction. I understand that you feel bad for your BF, but do you see how much you are taking responsibility for his decisions, telling yourself what you see with your own eyes, and thinking you are evil for wanting better? He makes decisions to do what he wants, makes excuses for it or justifies it, and somehow you feel bad for seeing that his decisions are terrible and he is foolish. Youy put yourself in a no win situation – you have no control over what he does, but take the burden for it while he does whatever he wants.
This dynamic is the reason that people in recovery are advised not to get into a relationship for at least a year after they start AA or the like. Until they not only say the right words, but do the hard work to change and then demonstrate that change, the odds of them either just being full of baloney or falling back into terrible patterns is really high.
I will pray for you!